Liquid Candy

by Harris | September 20, 2010 06:55 PM | 10 comments

Maybe it’s me, but while I hate the taste of coffee, I drink six cups a day (Is it me?)

Before I answer why this is so, allow me to backtrack…

I didn’t drink a full cup of coffee until I was in my twenties. Though its scent was inviting, I thought it tasted like dirt would taste. Having never eaten dirt, I can’t say this for sure, but I have smelled dirt up close, and therefore, feel comfortable with my assumption. If anyone reading has eaten dirt, please confirm or deny.

I also have a sweet tooth. I’m the kind of guy who once got a $50 gift certificate for Barnes and Noble, and ended up buying $50 of Godiva Chocolate Raspberry bars with it. This makes my coffee consumption even more peculiar. So why do I drink coffee, and so much? Good question…

I have an exceedingly boring day job (accounting), a night time gig (stand-up comedy) and my own animal rescue. In addition, my wife and I have a very energetic pit bull, and we’re expecting our first child early next year. Point being, I need caffeine. I could eat ten Special Dark candy bars a day, which believe me, I would do, but only if my dentist and cardiologist gave me frequent customer discounts. I could also drink caffeine-laced energy drinks, if it weren’t for the cost, taste, and the fact that I can’t stand everyone I know who drinks them. I don’t know if they were always annoying or if it’s the drink that makes them that way, but I’m not taking any chances. So coffee it is.

I make coffee not only drinkable, but an experience, by “fixing it up.” As mentioned, I have a sweet tooth. Not only do I use multiple Sweet and Low packets in every cup, but I also add about three times the suggested serving amount of Coffee-mate (The serving size is one teaspoon! Anyone here use that little? I think I use a cup). It’s like having six desserts a day. At work I have to use the powdered variety (usually French Vanilla) as I can’t leave it in the office refrigerator or it’ll be gone within the day. I know this from experience. Though angry, I can’t say I blame them – it’s delicious!

Of course, I also use Coffee-mate at home when I make it for myself, or even when I bring coffee home from Dunkin Donuts (I do allow them to put the sweetener in). That’s when I can really go wild as the liquid versions are more interesting (Belgian Chocolate Toffee, anyone?).

Drinking my coffee as sweet as I do even has an unintended benefit – My wife has no interest in sharing as she hates my “liquid candy,” as she calls it. “Coffee should taste like coffee, not ice cream,” she argues. Perfect!

That’s six desserts a day, all for me!